so-called problem pages…

Yesterday I was flicking through some godawful trashy women's/celeb magazine, when I came across the problem page. A woman had sent a letter asking for advice regarding her partner's porn addiction. She said that he had hundreds of videos and images stored onto his computer and - even though she had told him that it upset her - he refused to delete them. She also mentioned the fact that she thought he watched them when she had gone to bed at night time and that this especially distressed her as she thought they had a healthy sex life.

And the agony aunt's advice?

"His porn has been around longer than you have. Stop being so jealous and get over it".

I mean, who cares that this woman is clearly upset and distressed! Who cares that she feels betrayed and demeaned! Of course, what this so-called expert thinks is most important is that the boyfriend keeps his precious porn stash. After all, dear, if you start complaining then he will think you're an old prude and he'll start looking elsewhere for a younger and sexier replacement girlfriend…!

The women reading these magazines are already likely to hate themselves and their bodies, no matter how 'empowering' they believe the magazines to be. In that particular issue I was flicking through, I'd already seen pictures of 'celebrity bikini bodies', who's got fat and who's got thin, Kerry Katona going on about how she's not depressed anymore because she's gone from a size 10 to a size 8, page after page of women attacking other women… And after all that, a fucking "expert" tells you that you're a jealous prude if your boyfriend's porn makes you feel sick inside.

I felt like shouting out to the woman who had sent the original letter "That isn't your only choice! You don't have to shut up and let him have his way! If it upsets you, then you tell him that either his porn goes or you do!"

I'm fed up of us women being told that if we don't like porn then we must be frigid, boring, bad in bed, jealous, paranoid, old-fashioned and just not cool.

breasts

It’s funny how such simple things cause so much heartache.

They are too big. Too small. Too saggy. Too pointy. One’s bigger than the other. The areoles are too big. The areoles are too small. We push ‘em up. Strap ‘em down. Worry that people can see our over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders through our tops. Worry that we are showing too much cleavage. Worry that we’re not showing enough cleavage. Worry that our nipples are showing through our clothes.  Worry worry worry. Stress stress stress.

Most of the time, I am happy with my lot. But I have felt and been hurt by people who insinuate that, since I have a conventionally ‘nice’ figure (being skinny with a 34D bust), that I can’t possibly be a feminist.

Now, shit like that hurts. A lot.

I can’t help the way my body is. I don’t diet or obsess about my appearance. I didn’t have breast enlargement surgery. I didn’t ASK to look like this. So how, exactly, does the way I look damage my feminist credentials? Am I not really a part of the sisterhood unless I put weight on and wear baggy clothes to hide my bust and small waist? Because I happen to like my body the way it is, does that mean I am a tool of the patriarchy?

And, what’s more, according to the masses I can’t possibly be a feminist because that would mean I would have to have a brain, and - come on! - women with larger than average breasts certainly aren’t intelligent! Big tits = air headed bimbo. They’re sluts. They’re whores. They must want sex from every man they see. And, god help them if there is the slightest indication of nipple showing through their tops! Good god, they really are asking for it then!

(To the next dickhead who assumes that because a woman’s nipple is showing through her top that she must be trying to get him into bed, think about this : 100% of the population have nipples. But 100% of the population CERTAINLY do not want to get you into bed.)

And, you know something? I like pretty clothes. I like tops with ribbons and floral patterns and strappy bits. I see my friend (with a 34B chest) wearing a pretty top and it makes her look cute. But I know that if I wear it, then I will look like a ‘slut’ because I have a larger chest. Who the hell decided this was the rule? Why should I have to worry about looking ‘stupid’ and like a ‘slut’ because someone decided that a woman with certain sized mammory glands is biologically their intellectual inferior?!?

This is the worry that I have. But I know that women at the other end of the scale have their own worries also. Many of these women think they have to stuff their bras and play dumb to attract men. Somehow, they are led to believe that all their problems will magically disappear once they have cosmetic surgery on their breasts. And then, when they have had the surgery, they worry that men won’t LIKE fake breasts and that they must keep the fact that theirs are surgically enhanced a SECRET.

Why are so many women prisoners of the lumps of fat on our chests? Why do they rule our lives so much?

We need to STOP worrying about them so much. We need to love them the way they are and for what the are. Breasts are great! They are provide free milk to our beautiful babies. They feel nice to touch. Nipples are fantastic and sensitive and, when stimulated, can make us feel warm and tingly inside.

I found a great website a while back with a “gallery of normal breasts” showing pictures of various shapes, sizes and types of breasts. I know many women who have looked at those pictures and felt much more at ease with their own bodies. Most of the time, the only breasts we women ever see are the surgically enhanced (or airbrushed) ones from pornography - so to see that, in fact, most boobs don’t look like that is a great relief to many women.

(I can’t find the link to that site now! Grr. If anyone knows what I am talking about , then can you please let me know the URL?)

she’d run you down

 

There are some things in life that I really wish I had done.

(in other news: does anybody know why the links in my sidebar have repeated themselves? WordPress - stop being an ass)

Just a few links

I was going to continue my new trend of bitching adverts, but found this and then this f-word article, which both get the point across quite nicely.

 Also, if you would like to vomit in your cup of tea, please let me direct you to BeautifulPeople.net. Apparently, ‘beautiful’ now means “up-your-own-arse”. And, dare I wonder, if you really are so astoundingly beautiful and such a catch, why exactly do you need to be on a dating site….? Surely you have people queuing up outside your front door! Alas, it is amazing what you can do with a digital camera and Photoshop these days… I want to rant about the fact that “beauty” is a purely subjective term, and that the current (READ: western and patriarchal) version of “beauty” is merely one that the media has dreamt up in order for us to ultimately part with more of our hard-earned cash to feed the greed of the multi-nationals…. But, I can’t be bothered anymore. Just read The Beauty Myth instead.

Rude Bits

I love this site. I love how utterly frank the writer is in regarding the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations and the milestones that her and her vagina have encountered.

For the majority, women still seem to distance themselves from discussing anything related to their down-there/private-parts/lady-bits/etc (the site’s author rather amusingly refers to her own as her “unit”). Adverts tell us that the most important thing about a tampon is that it is discreet and that if - heaven forbid! - it should fall out of your bag, then nobody should realise that it is in fact a tampon. (The question remains: why would you be more embarrassed if twenty sanitary towels fell out of your bag, than if a load of toilet paper fell out instead?). We don’t mention periods in public. We are frightened of the social implications of having pubic hair. The list goes on.

But why? Why are we filled with shame and disgust regarding our own bodies? Women, girls - let’s take back our vaginas! Reclaim what rightly lives between your legs! For too long they have been percieved to be solely for male gratification - but WHY?!

Okay, so I don’t go in for the whole “ladybits are like a beautiful flower” sort of thing, but I would just like to be able to say “Okay, I have genitalia! Sometimes it has hair, sometimes it does not! Sometimes it is for male sexual gratification, sometimes it is not! Sometimes it is for my own gratification, sometimes it is not! Sometimes it bleeds! Sometimes not! Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it! But it is mine and I refuse to feel shameful towards it any longer!”