so-called problem pages…
Yesterday I was flicking through some godawful trashy women's/celeb magazine, when I came across the problem page. A woman had sent a letter asking for advice regarding her partner's porn addiction. She said that he had hundreds of videos and images stored onto his computer and - even though she had told him that it upset her - he refused to delete them. She also mentioned the fact that she thought he watched them when she had gone to bed at night time and that this especially distressed her as she thought they had a healthy sex life.
And the agony aunt's advice?
"His porn has been around longer than you have. Stop being so jealous and get over it".
I mean, who cares that this woman is clearly upset and distressed! Who cares that she feels betrayed and demeaned! Of course, what this so-called expert thinks is most important is that the boyfriend keeps his precious porn stash. After all, dear, if you start complaining then he will think you're an old prude and he'll start looking elsewhere for a younger and sexier replacement girlfriend…!
The women reading these magazines are already likely to hate themselves and their bodies, no matter how 'empowering' they believe the magazines to be. In that particular issue I was flicking through, I'd already seen pictures of 'celebrity bikini bodies', who's got fat and who's got thin, Kerry Katona going on about how she's not depressed anymore because she's gone from a size 10 to a size 8, page after page of women attacking other women… And after all that, a fucking "expert" tells you that you're a jealous prude if your boyfriend's porn makes you feel sick inside.
I felt like shouting out to the woman who had sent the original letter "That isn't your only choice! You don't have to shut up and let him have his way! If it upsets you, then you tell him that either his porn goes or you do!"
I'm fed up of us women being told that if we don't like porn then we must be frigid, boring, bad in bed, jealous, paranoid, old-fashioned and just not cool.
June 20, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Great post. I’ve more or less given up reading women’s magazines as they seem designed to make us feel crap about ourselves.
I’ve linked to you from my blog btw. Hope that’s OK!
June 20, 2006 at 1:52 pm
I wish I had something more intelligent to say in response to this but… hear hear!
June 21, 2006 at 4:09 pm
Thank you for saying this. I feel exactly the same way about women’s magazines, and I too have given up reading them. Just not worth it! Too often the attitude is that if you aren’t tolerant about every thing your “man” does, don’t bother thinking you are worth being in a relationship.
June 23, 2006 at 8:03 am
I absolutely hate women’s magazines for precisely the reasons you have given!
June 23, 2006 at 2:18 pm
Which magazine was it? Just interested to know as I’ve always got my anti-feminist detector on when reading those things…
June 23, 2006 at 2:30 pm
Cho - I found it at someone else’s house and think it was called New or Now or something along those lines.
June 23, 2006 at 11:06 pm
Ah, but, you see… even the problem pages in so-called ‘women’s magazines’ have to toe the patriarchal party line because:
a) they’re largely owned and distributed by men
b) they have to be seen to support the patriarchy otherwise they lose (patriarchal) advertising revenue
c) they have to be seen to be maintaining the status quo. Can you imagine the uproar if, as a result of printing the truth (”yes, it’s more than you should have to tolerate, he’s a total shit, you don’t have to stay with the sexist arsehole if you don’t want to”), women objected to their partner’s porn habits - or those of men in general, come to that - and actually started following their instincts and did something about it? Cripes. Something like that could ruin their jollies and might even result in a shift in the power balance and we can’t have that, now can we?
d) Women might stop obsessing about what they look like in comparison to one another and start thinking about why they’re set up to do that…
I hate ‘women’s magazines’. They irritate me beyond belief because, from what I can see, they exist simply to propagate patriarchal myths and stereotypes about women and I seriously can’t relate to them at all.
June 27, 2006 at 12:01 pm
I flicked through one for the first time in a looooong time the other day. Horrifying stuff.
On a different note, I’m considering moving one of my other blogs from Livejournal to WordPress. Any feedback you can offer on their service and how easy to use and customise they are?
June 27, 2006 at 12:43 pm
hexy - WordPress hasn’t given me many problems so far. It’s pretty easy to use and way more reliable than blogspot, although not as easy to customise. I just use a template for this blog, because I thought it was pretty and couldn’t be bothered to fiddle around to make my own.
July 5, 2006 at 7:58 am
It could work the other way. A woman may be addicted to porn leaving a male partner to feel insecure. Especially if she were to be glancing at a gay female porn site, or even a site such as http://www.long-schlongs.com.
Not only is this a problem with people’s insecurities regarding others that use porn, but if it is used, it is encouraged by the makers of it to produce more. Apparentley, there is a market for it. There are males and females who willingly work in that industry as well as those who do it because they may be trapped in unfortunate circumstances and feel that there is no other solution to their problems for earning a quick buck.
Some say:
“Porn. It’s a guy thing”
Maybe it was 20 or so years ago. But times change. As to wether that means we, as humans are moving on in a positive way, is another debate.
July 7, 2006 at 7:16 am
Istvanski ~ Some say: “Porn. It’s a guy thing”
As a long-time former porn-purchaser, and a female, I’ll agree that statements like “only guys look at porn” are horse-puckey.
However, there is a *huge* difference between production and consumption. Men and women may both be consuming porn, but the producers are still overwhelmingly men. Hence you have cum shots, faux gang rapes, circle-jerks and about a tonne of different ‘blow-job’ titles that are always in high demand, while the vids produced by women try to be nicer but no-one will buy them because in porn, “nice” just doesn’t make for hot sex.
At my local newsagency, I can count the number of soft core porn mags directed at women on one hand. By contrast, there’s a veritable *jungle* of mens’ mags, spanning the gamut from soft to hard core, that depict women upping their skirts, on their knees, in chains, in ropes, in wet midriff tops, showing their pink bits, etc.
When was the last time you walked past a newsagency and saw a man in a G-string, or a wet pair of tight-whities, on the front cover of a magazine for women?
“Especially if she were to be glancing at a gay female porn site”
Laughing my *arse* off! A woman looking at naked women has never threatened any straight guy–that’s why girl-on-girl is so popular. They encourage it!
Anyway, why not a gay male site? Because I have this *weird* hunch that many straight women like to look at naked men.
“Apparentley, there is a market for it.”
There was a market for slaves, once. Doesn’t make it right.
“There are males and females who willingly work in that industry…”
Many of whom were sexually abused as kids. The average age of initiation into the ‘industry’ is especially young for girls: Around 17.
“…and feel that there is no other solution to their problems for earning a quick buck.”
That’s how activities like stripping are promoted to female uni students, too: As “a quick buck.” Even assuming the woman wasn’t abused, beaten, or forced into the industry through poverty, ‘jobs’ like stripping and lap-dancing are still promoted as glamorous occupations for women in a way that they aren’t promoted to men. I don’t see truckloads of middleclass men taking up pole-dancing as a fitness regime or a “gift” for their sexually bored wives.
“…is another debate.”
But one that has to be viewed in the context of the fact that it’s *still* men who are producing this shit. Women consume it, but they aren’t the ones who own it, control it, or make tapes such as “cum-hungry teen slags.”
Finally, if men are so “insecure”, their hurt pales in comparison to the hurt of all the underage third world girls who are sold to the same men who don’t mind jerking off into girls’ bodies to alleviate their self-imposed ‘insecurity.’
July 7, 2006 at 9:26 am
Women: forever the ogres invading their male counterpart’s smutty, seedy fun with themselves. These men-serving publications hire these women who are willing to completely deface the representation of their own sex and pedal the same old sad stereotypes just to earn a salary. Tabloid agony aunts are just puppets, being puppeteered by the likes of Rupert Murdoch to publish such poison.
They make out that man’s best relationship is with his wrist in the twenty-first century and we shouldn’t get in the way of it! Grrr! Gets my goat everytime.
July 9, 2006 at 11:30 pm
Oh God, problem pages are so, so often completely anti-feminist and downright misogynist. Especially with regards to ‘boyfriends using porn’ which is always put down to natural urges, and completely normal…
I would maintain that common as something may be, that doesn’t make it normal or ok, and women need to be assured that their hatred of their partners using porn is understandable, and based on the fact that yes, pornography is hate material, a ‘how-to’ manual for rapists, and is indeed a symbol of your partner’s disrespect of you.
Grrr and raar, I’ve got a huge rant in my head which I won’t subject you to, just that I agree with what you said above, definitely!
July 11, 2006 at 1:52 pm
I read a women’s mag for the first time in aaaaaages yesterday, and was left fuming. The most hideous article was one about staying safe on holiday, with women confessing to being either ’saints’ - ‘I always walk home in well lit areas with a group of friends’ or ’sinners’ - ‘I walked home along a dark beach and was flashed by a man’ - not a single fucking word about what an arsehole this harrasser was, just a good telling off for the woman for being so stupid. Fucking hell.
July 16, 2006 at 8:21 pm
I have no idea who the agony aunt in question is, but most such columns at newspapers are written by men about to be retired. It’s considered a plum easy job (pays twice what the women in the newsroom make of course, who are on contract with no benefits). The “agony aunt” will be getting benefits and bonuses and a friggin’ huge buy out soon.
Does the answer make more sense now?
No. I know.
Does the answer make a bit more sense now? No. I know.
July 24, 2006 at 2:15 am
Do you remember the name of the magazine and/or columnist. If so, post it and I’ll write her and ask the members of genderberg to do the same.
July 24, 2006 at 7:50 am
Alyx:
“Laughing my *arse* off! A woman looking at naked women has never threatened any straight guy–that’s why girl-on-girl is so popular. They encourage it!”
I speak of personal experience when it comes to being threatened, if she looked at two guys getting it on and it appealed to her, I’d naturally wonder why she thought something was missing in the relationship (I’m straight, by the way, and laughing my *arse* off at how you seem to be stereotyping me.
“There was a market for slaves, once. Doesn’t make it right…”
I never said that it was right, I was just stating the obvious as to one of the reasons why it is still being produced. If porn was illegal it would go underground, just like the modern day slave trade that exists. Sad but true.
“Many of whom were sexually abused as kids…”
Absolutely, yet there are also many who weren’t.
The abused workers were in my thoughts when I mentioned “…those that feel that there is no other solution to their problems for earning a quick buck.”
If I was to buy a product, I wouldn’t care less wether the head honcho of the company that made the product was male or female. It is a different matter if exploitation has been used in the manufacturing of that product. What needs to be assessed are companies as a whole who venture into exploitation, and they should be prosecuted if and when they are found guilty.
These so called “glamourous occupations” are being promoted by both genders. If it is the females that are doing the promoting, we need to look at why they are doing the promoting. Have they been forced through dispicable circumstances to do this promoting? Or are they secretly up for “making a quick buck” through exploiting their “sisters”?
“I don’t see truckloads of middleclass men taking up pole-dancing as a fitness regime or a “gift” for their sexually bored wives…”
If this hasn’t allready been thought of before, You may be onto a financial winner here! I wonder the ratio is of wives that take up pole-dancing to alleviate their partners boring sex life to that of women who attend ‘Chippendales’ nights at their local nightclub. Women tend to be more aggressively behaved at this type of entertainment scene than men at strip joints - simply because there are more permanent strip joints alloted for the men.
Humanity (female or male) is such that I fear very little of these problems will actually be solved.
Peace in the Middle East?
War between the sexes?
It’s going to be a very long drawn out argument, and as opposing juxta positions, we can only hope for a unification and an end to any violent confrontation and exploitative behaviour between people.
In the meantime, blogs such as this are just the job for educational discussion to publisize viable solutions.
July 24, 2006 at 4:58 pm
CoolAunt - I actually found the same issue hidden in one of the cupboards at work, so I’ll have a rummage around this week and get the issue number and name for you
July 25, 2006 at 8:36 am
“I’m straight, by the way, and laughing my *arse* off at how you seem to be stereotyping me.”
Myeh. You’ll get over it.
“If porn was illegal it would go underground, just like the modern day slave trade that exists. Sad but true.”
Who said anything about making it illegal? I favour the Swedish law criminalising the men who buy sex but not the women who sell sex. This law acknowledges that the selling of womens’ bodies is the real modern slave trade.
Re. your argument: Child abuse is illegal, and that “goes underground”, but that doesn’t mean we try to turn it into a legitimate business (groups like NAMBLA–North American Man/Boy Love Association–do, but they’re considered part of the lunatic fringe, and most people recognise that what they’re actually encouraging is child abuse, whereas many people *don’t* recognise that attempts to regulate the prostitution industry encourages woman-abuse.
“I never said that it was right”
Then I misread you and I apologise. But your comments below suggest you think it’s mostly ok:
“Absolutely, yet there are also many who weren’t.”
And given that most (female) porn workers enter the industry before the age of 18, I find this argument a tad specious. Also: How do we know that a woman who smiles and says she loves being a porn star really loves it? If she’s been turning tricks since she was 15 and has learned that her worth lies in being a detachable cunt for people to masturbate to, of course she’ll say she enjoys it: She knows nothing else.
Consent is important, totally, but it’s not the only factor you’ve got to take into account. Focusing on the conditions under which consent is given is also pretty crucial.
“If this hasn’t allready been thought of before, You may be onto a financial winner here!”
No, for the same reason as this:
Or are they secretly up for “making a quick buck” through exploiting their “sisters”?
Men can make a quick buck exploiting their brothers, of course, but it’s way more profitable for everyone to exploit the women. I’d make more money if I ran a female strip joint than a male one–the numbers of women using female prostitutes, strippers, and escorts are way higher than the ones using male prostitutes, etc. are anyway.
Look at all the partially-clothed female corpses on the cop shows. Look at all the semi-naked, mutilated bodies of women in horror movies. Look at how many films portray a woman being beaten/raped as erotic. If a man is photographed being stripped naked and tortured (a la Abu Graib), it’s called ‘a tragedy.’ But if a woman is photographed being stripped of her clothes and tortured, it’s called ’sexual entertainment.’
We live in a male-dominated society. A degraded man just isn’t as hot, sexy or profitbale as a degraded woman.
“Women tend to be more aggressively behaved at this type of entertainment scene than men at strip joints”
I don’t think so, unless male strippers fear being raped by drunken female patrons.
In the meantime, blogs such as this are just the job for educational discussion to publisize viable solutions.
I agree.
July 27, 2006 at 12:22 am
Both parties consent to the filming of porn, this was not the case for slavery.
Have you got any proof that the average age women enter the porn industry is 17? I find this highly unlikely since the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act requires companies to keep records of the ages of all actresses which can be requested by law enforcement at any time.
July 27, 2006 at 10:17 am
Anon- do your homework. I’ll help you out:
http://www.swapcampaign.org/index.html
http://www.prostitutionresearch.com/
http://www.dianarussell.com/
http://www.catwinternational.org/index.php
http://www.nostatusquo.com/ACLU/dworkin/
Oh and by the way: the law doesn’t always work, and the majority of women who enter pornography or prostitution are survivors of sexual abuse and/ or poverty, making the idea of porn being a ‘free choice’ impossible to argue.
July 31, 2006 at 4:05 am
ALYX:
“…Who said anything about making it illegal? I favour the Swedish law criminalising the men who buy sex but not the women who sell sex…the numbers of women using female prostitutes, strippers, and escorts are way higher than the ones using male prostitutes, etc. are anyway…”
Initially it’s a good idea what you and the Swedish government are proposing…but if there where such a law, let’s make it a fair one and criminalise men and women who buy sex.
“…Men can make a quick buck exploiting their brothers, of course…”
Yes, we see numerous examples of this type of exploitation in the male run and male dominated media. Quite ironic, the stuff that’s coming from the patriarchy…
“…We live in a male-dominated society. A degraded man just isn’t as hot, sexy or profitbale as a degraded woman…”
That’s true. If Hollywood would’ve decided to go with a male crossing his legs, exposing his nekkidness to a gaggle of female police investigators instead of using Sharon Stone’s character, then ‘Basic Instinct’ would’ve bombed at the box office. (Now I know why they call it ‘box office’…)
“…I don’t think so, unless male strippers fear being raped by drunken female patrons…”
You may not think so, but I know so. I’ve seen it with my own sober eyes. Women are following certain guy’s bad behaviour. How long before they try to drug date rape a guy using Viagra? I give it a few years before I hear of such a case…unless anyone will admit to reading about this already, but I doubt anyone will admit to it, even if they have. And if behaviour like this exists it’s not an excuse for women to say that they’re getting their own back after years of male domination. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Many years ago, a gang rape commited by females (victim was male) was laughed out of court because the male did not get an erection. But he still suffered abuse (as well as going through the trauma of kidnapping). He received no justice. SOURCE: I was told of this case by my former school teacher, herself a radical feminist and I believed what she was telling me and I had no reason to doubt her.
When I said:
“Absolutely, yet there are also many who weren’t.” I meant:
“Absolutey” = I agree with your previous statement, and:
“…yet there are also many who weren’t.” = I meant there are many sex workers who are in their chosen profession not because of any personal abuse. It’s a statement I made out of observation and the need to respect people’s choices for working in such an industry. It’s not a statement describing any personal views of mine that may make you think in your mind: “…you suggest you think it’s mostly ok..”
“…How do we know that a woman who smiles and says she loves being a porn star really loves it?…”
We don’t. I’m sceptical when it comes to mind-reading persuits, so I wouldn’t know either way wether he / she loves it regardless of what they say. People lie for whatever reason, and we have to give them the benefit of the doubt with whatever they may say. It’s a valid point that you have made, but how do we know that a woman is telling the truth when she smiles and says she loves being a porn star? Initially, it’s a tough one to call when you first hear a statement like that made. I certainly don’t find this a specious argument.
Views differ from people to people, no matter how much research they may have done regarding a subject, they may have based their views on incorrect evidence. For example: I may hold misleading views based on my experiences or what I have read, or it may be you, or both of us. We shall forever be exposed to political views because that’s exactly what life is.
The winners in wars tend to write the history. It’s a male dominated society, so their views are blatantly publicised for the majority of people who choose to digest them.
But underdogs (no matter who they are or what regime they happen to live under) will also have their propaganda.
We are back to the issue of ‘consenting adults’. This in itself can have complicated repercussions depending on the nature of the act.
I feel I have to simplify myself to you on where I personally stand here.
I find abuse of any kind committed against any person, totally abhorrent.
I understand that women are not a dominant force in society, and I have no problem with campaigns that aim to redress this balance. I may even look forward to the day if women do get to have a dominant Matriarchy to see the different ways that the ruling females can contribute towards global mis-management. Males have been mis-managing for years, and as our equal partners, females too can unveil unique ways of fucking up society.
But, hang on…we are meant to be equal…let’s fuck up society together.
It’ll take some kind of divine intervention to stop the rot in this world.
My point is, that people should respect people regardless of gender…and I’m sure you‘ll agree with me on this.
However this is simply not happening, and I for one do not have the answers. You can’t force thought forms or ideologies on people. Chairman Mao (amongst others) tried and failed. Perhaps there is too fine a line between equality and individualism.
Maybe it lays with educating children at an early age, try and teach them some good basic manners that are sadly lacking in today’s citizens.
And who do we get to teach these good manners? And who do we get to verify the teachers?
If I have said anything that has led you to mis-read me, then I apologise. I shall take greater care in the future with regards to the use of my grammar and try to be more eloquent to avoid any self-misrepresentation. I just can’t be bothered with emoticons.
When I said:
“If this hasn’t allready been thought of before, you may be onto a financial winner here!”
I meant this in the same light-hearted way as when you said:
“Myeh. You’ll get over it. “
August 8, 2006 at 11:14 pm
I may not like my partners to use porn but it is ultimately my own jealousy and his wank life. Get over it.
Btw you won’t get rid of prostitution whoever you criminalise, buyers or sellers. You’ll only suceed im making the lives of vulnerable people even harder. What people do sexually is not the business of the State, nor is whether they accept money (or not)
August 16, 2006 at 7:21 am
Liz, did you actually read anything here before commenting? It helps if you do.