Sometimes, it’s the little things that really get to me.
So, I have just been to a job interview, which I feel went well. This is very very good news to me as (and I haven’t mentioned this before, as I’m still dealing with it) I suffer from a degree of social phobia. I swing between opposites – sometimes I am confident, ballsy and when impassioned I have no problem spouting my opinions, but then sometimes I can’t leave the house to go to the shop to buy milk as I can’t bare it. My behaviour is irrational and has taken me down to depressive slumps over the last few years, because I have been unable to understand it. “How come in some situations you are confident and open, but then randomly you are a nervous wreck during situations which should be easy?” I’d ask myself. I still don’t know, but I’m becoming stronger. I haven’t had a crying session in a while and I’m getting closer to understanding it. So (and I’m getting to the point here, don’t worry!), I felt insanely proud of myself for going to an interview and doing well. To be honest, whether I get the job is not vitally important here, as the fact I was able to COPE with it is what means something to me.
I was walking along a narrow grass path alongside a busy main road, feeling proud and happy and as though things were going to get better and normal for me again, when a lorry loudly beeped its horn at me as it passed, frightening me to death and almost knocking me into the road. “Nob”, I thought as I grumbled under my breath a bit and walked on. But then, a minute or so later, another lorry passed and did the same thing. And then a truck also did the same. Three vehicles all beeped at me in a matter of minutes.
Why?
Why is beeping at a 19 year old female walking down a busy main road entertaining? What exactly had I done that warranted being “yelled” at (because that is how a beep feels)? Was it because I was wearing a skirt? Because I had my long hair down and it was blowing in the traffic wind a bit? Was it because I was wearing a fitted blouse? Or did I have a sign on my back saying “WHORE! PLEASE BEEP AT ME!”?
And I know how it goes : “It’s only a bit of fun!” “It’s a compliment really!” “Walk about by yourself and you’re asking for it!”. No. No. NO. It’s not a bit of fun - it’s terrorising. All I am doing is walking down a PUBLIC footpath, after an interview and feeling somewhat proud of myself, when a massive heavy duty lorry feels the need to VERY loudly draw attention to me in a vulgar way. It’s offensive, whether the shitheads driving the vehicles in question think so or not.
And yeah, it’s only minor compared to some instances of street harassment, but it is still part of the same thing and comes from the same mentality – making women feel uncomfortable makes certain men feel “big and strong”. It’s an ego boost. It’s “Haha, I’M the one in the position of power here. I’M in the safety of my big MANLY truck. YOU’RE a pathetic woman on the street, therefore I will show YOU who is boss.”
You know what? Fuck you.
Fuck you for ruining my good mood. And FUCK YOU to the men who did a similar mood trashing to BB the other day as well. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.
And, while I’m at it – fuck you to those who yelled at me from a car “ARE YOUR TITS REAL?!!” And fuck you to the 12 year old boys who walked up to me in an alleyway and said “Give us a blow job and we’ll give ya a couple of quid, yeah?”. And fuck you to the old man on the bus who felt the need to stare at my chest and try and touch me inappropriately. You scared me to hell, y’know? I ran home and cried. So fuck you. And fuck you to all the others that I’ve tried hard to forget.
Just. Fuck you.
How are we supposed to be able to cope? We women are being treated like objects and we are supposed to enjoy it. Well, I for one do not. I hate it. I hate how it makes me question myself and how it makes me hate my body. I hate the way it makes me want to avoid going near men when I am out alone. I hate how it makes me and other women live in a constant state of being “aware” and “on the edge”.
I hate it. And fuck you.
(sorry for the non-constructive rant here. Sometimes I just need to type all my anger out)
May 23, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Rant away, Ms Violet, it’s healthy and you have every right. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced street harrassment- it is so horribly demeaning and spirit-crushing.
By the way, I totally understand the sometimes being confident sometimes being very anxious thing. The smallest things can set me off, and make me scared (like phoning someone, going into crowded areas), whereas other things don’t seem to faze me even though I think they probably should.
Congrats on the good interview by the way!
May 24, 2006 at 3:06 am
Don’t apologise. Sometimes a big fat ‘fuck you’ to the arseholes of the world is the best kind of catharsis. As a deprogrammed Catholic, I’ll say this: It beats the shit outta Church!
May 24, 2006 at 5:48 am
I don’t think it was a non-constructive rant-these things need to be said. I’m sorry you had to go through it.
But I think it’s wonderful you went to the interview! Social anxiety is really tough. Good for you for getting out there. And this makes me twice as angry about what you had to go through.
May 24, 2006 at 9:42 am
I completely, totally agree with every point you’ve made. Men behaving in this way is pretty much akin to shouting ‘Hey you! You have a vagina! I can use vaginas!’ as they go past.
Horrible.
May 25, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Interesting; if I got beeped at my own reaction would be to check that my knickers weren’t tucked into my skirt or something completely daft like that
I find what the 12 year old boys said you to be more disturbing than anything else here – whenever I encounter things like the beeping, I hope I’m viewing a dying breed due to their age… boys doing those sorts of things is just yet more proof that things aren’t changing, and make me sadder than anything
May 25, 2006 at 10:02 pm
I was riding my bike to work today and a driver of a car mimed shooting me with a pistol.
Fuck him.
May 26, 2006 at 11:14 pm
The 12yr old boy incident is particularly horrible – nothing to do with pornography though, obviously :S
You are so right about it being about intimidation – almost every time I’m honked at it’s by a bunch of guys in a car who drive off laughing. Yes, I’m female, yes, that means I have a vagina, well fucking done, now fuck off because it belongs to ME, not you, wankfaces.
I feel your rage.
Well done on the interview btw.
TP – that’s disgusting. What an arsehole.
May 26, 2006 at 11:16 pm
Your post is very thought provoking because your anger is something I feel quite often myself.
What goes through the minds of those who honk at girls? Is it fun to honk at people, or is it really, as you say, always because I’m a nineteen year old girl with long brown hair?
I’ve had quite a few good conversations about this dilemma with friends of mine. Clearly we’re dressed up on a Sunday morning to go to church but when people yell incoherently as they drive by or honk – first instinct is the middle finger. I don’t want this to make me feel angry, and it certainly does not make me feel good about myself (”oh good those boys know I’m a girl even though I’m wearing jeans”?!?).
So how do I overcome the effects of their thoughtlessness? I don’t want to lose to anger.
Is it easier to forgive someone close to you or a stranger? Forgiveness is the only thing I’ve ever found to help me release the hold anger can have on my life.
May 29, 2006 at 7:23 am
As a guy who does sound his horn when I see a babe I’d like to say i’m surprised at your reaction. I guess most women don’t like it happening but in a free society people have the right to do it and I see it as part of my freedom.
May 29, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Colin – So, you realise that women do not like it, yet you continue to intimidate females in this way as it is your “freedom” to do so? Well, what a charming and considerate man you are. *rolls eyes*
May 30, 2006 at 9:19 am
Actually, Colin, sexual harrassment is NOT part of your freedom, dipshit. It’s illegal, and, more importantly, it’s immoral. You are intimidating women, which is a misogynistic act, and you are a shameful coward for getting off on upsetting women. This all adds to the fear that women live with everyday, and contributes to rape culture.
Maybe you should take your hand off your dick and spend thirty seconds thinking about what the reaction on this blog means, and how you should change your behaviour accordingly.
Oh and by the way, if the only way you can justify your behaviour is by saying ‘it’s part of my freedom’, then it means what you’re doing is wrong.
May 30, 2006 at 11:28 pm
I know you don’t know me, but I want to thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings on this post that raises much-needed awareness. Thank you! It was pretty eerie, actually, how much I could relate to your experiences. The honking thing happened to me just recently, outside my son’s school. I got so mad, I flipped the guy off and yelled something hateful at the jerk. I immediately felt ashamed because, “What if one of the kids had seen/heard me? I’m not setting a very good example.” But, why’d the jerk have to put me in that position in the first place? And here’s this Colin person proving your point so perfectly! No! They have NO RIGHT! Ggrrrr!
May 31, 2006 at 12:23 am
So Colon, er, Colin, you can only achieve your freedom by depriving a woman of hers?
Poorly-hung thimble-knobs like you are the reason so many women find themslves unable to trust men. Meditate on that next time you’re wondering why you seldom get laid.
May 31, 2006 at 2:38 pm
Keep on ranting! In fact, I’m starting to think that each and every time someone does this shit to me that I’ll post it.
And as for Colin.
Gotta love how it’s all about HIS freedom, not a frigging word about OUR freedom to exist and live and walk in this world without some jerk off acting like he’s never seen a woman before.
Yep, misogynist troll *nodnod*, I think that this is one of the hit and run variety.
May 31, 2006 at 7:04 pm
I don’t intend to intimidate women but I can see how a woman could be embarrassed. Embarrassment is different. But some enjoy it. I was at a club last week and one girl was dancing on a podium. She had a short skirt on and a big bunch of guys were standing beneath getting a good look and shouting : get your knickers off/tits out etc. She went out of her way to flash her knickers at us and when she got down of the podium a lot of guys helped her, holding her ass etc. Did she complain? No way!
May 31, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Colin – you do realise that purposely pole-dancing for attention etc is VERY different to merely walking down the street, don’t you?
If not, I suggest you seek help prompto. Women do NOT equal sex. We do NOT exist to be beeped at, yelled at, touched, raped, abused. Get your head around that, for christ’s sake.
Saying “some enjoy it” is the most pathetic, idiotic thing you could say. Get your head out of your arse, please.
May 31, 2006 at 9:02 pm
I totally agree with this well thought out and not at all petty argument.
I also think it is not in the slightest bit conceited to assume anyone who makes a noise at me is sexually harassing me because I’m just so god damned attractive.
Next time a woman makes any kind of allusion to the fact that she finds me attractive I shall make a citizens arrest and feel quite justified about it.
May 31, 2006 at 11:52 pm
Why don’t you shut up for a few seconds and actually listen to what the women on this blog are telling you. It’s very simple.
We. Don’t. Like. It.
Don’t. Harrass. Women.
It’s not your freedom, it’s abuse. Leave us the fuck alone.
June 1, 2006 at 12:02 am
(that last comment I made was addressed to Colin. And so is this:)
By the way, Colin, quit evading responsibility by focussing on women’s actions- focus on your behaviour, and think about the truths it reveals about you. It ain’t pretty.
You are responsible for your own behaviour, and you must answer for it.
June 1, 2006 at 12:17 am
It was the same people who woofed at me and yelled out ‘FAT BITCH’ at me when I was out walking (and very overweight) who then started whistling at me and hooting at me when I lost a heap of weight and was out walking.
Then when I was out walking one night an ex-con stalker rapist sick FUCK decided to stalk me.
So FUCK YOU to all those sickos who think women are ONLY ON THIS PLANET for THEIR enjoyment and entertainment. FUCK YOU ALL.
There.
Thanks for the space to say it
Oh – and FUCK YOU to the guy who tried to get me to go to his house and prostitute myself to him just because I was in downtown Auckland by myself after dark.
I happen to LIKE being by myself. And no – it’s NOT so I am available to have sex with men. I want to be LEFT ALONE.
And FUCK YOU to every lame guy who has scared me and then LEERED when I looked uneasy. FUCK YOU FOR GETTING OFF ON SCARING WOMEN. USING YOUR PENIS AS A THREAT.
And FUCK YOU to every guy who uses ‘oh she’s just a dyke’ or ’she’s FRIGID’ to explain why women don’t actually LIKE your BULLSHIT.
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 1, 2006 at 3:46 am
Good lord.
It’s all about men reminding us that we’re in their space, they own it and are nice enough to let us use it (after all we’re supposed to stay hidden indoors for our own protection and all).
June 1, 2006 at 7:43 am
Harry – congrats on the sarcasm. That’s real clever.
They do NOT do this because they find the women in question attractive, as a lot of the time all they can see is a view from the back. It is down to the reason we have ALL SAID – to frighten women and show them who is boss.
My god. So you think the women that complain about being harassed in the street are “conceited”? Sometimes, I don’t know – you people just leave me dumfounded. YOU JUST DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE SAYING. Okay, I have NO PROBLEM with somebody finding a woman attractive and letting them know about it. I DO have a problem with them frightening and intimidating women alone in the street.
June 1, 2006 at 10:58 am
Next time a woman makes any kind of allusion to the fact that she finds me attractive
I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s never gonna happen.
June 1, 2006 at 12:37 pm
Do the two guys who’ve commented here try to sound stupid, or does it just come naturally?
The fucking entitlement complexes of these pricks astounds me. It’s part of a mans ‘freedom’ to harrass women? In that case, it’s part of my ‘freedom’ to beat harrassers to a pulp. Sounds fair to me.
And Harry, who are you trying to kid? If you ever had women telling you that you’re attractive, you wouldn’t be so insecure as to troll a feminist blog.
June 1, 2006 at 5:17 pm
Congrats on crongratulating my sarcasm with sarcasm. That’s also real clever.
What makes you so sure they are beeping their horn to “terrorise” and “frighten” you? Where have you got this information from. Just because you feel frightened by something does not mean it has been done to frighten you.
June 1, 2006 at 5:38 pm
This is the last time I shall respond to you, Harry – because you are wasting my time.
They ARE doing it to frighten women. Why else do they laugh with their friends when we look startled or jump? My god. And anyway, how about – since you apparently know it all – telling me why YOU think they do it? You have already told me I’m being conceited if I think they are doing it because they think I’m attractive and you’ve also told me they aren’t doing it to frighten. So, dear, why are they doing it exactly?
I really do not know why I waste my time with you trolls. I’ve promised myself I wouldn’t before, so I’m not going to let myself fall back into the trap of doing so.
Newsflash to all sexist trolls: I DO NOT POST ON MY BLOG FOR YOU. I do it for women. I do it to share my feelings with likeminded females and for those who are beginning to feel like they are being suffocated by the patriarchy. If you are a male with a supportive and constructive comment, then post away! You’re in a minority and I do welcome your thoughts! BUT my blog is not a place for you to tell me that “women want it” “they ask for it” etc etc.
Harry, Colin, and whoever the hell else – YOU are the harrassers who try to intimidate us everywhere we go. So, please refer yourself to my original post and kindly FUCK OFF.
And, before you do the oh-so-predictable thing of sending me messages saying “why won’t you allow any more of my comments to show up? wah! wah!” don’t fucking bother. You are wasting your time and just looking more and more desperate.
June 2, 2006 at 9:50 am
You know, it’s funny you mention this. Guys are always being asked “How would you feel if it was you?” Many of course, respond that they would enjoy it. But of course, we often forget that in many of these situations, not only is this a matter of sexual attractiveness, but a matter which impedes our normal function in the world.
Thought exercise: I’m a young, reasonably attractive male in an office position. I’m employed by a fortysomething female manager. I’ve got a great resume, and being new to the team, I’m eager to contribute. But what happens when the manager pigeonholes all my ideas in addition to making constant rude comments, sometimes in front of other co-workers? I’m certainly not going to feel very valued, especially if I keep getting referred to, not by name, but rather gender-specific demeaning nicknames.
The difference here, of course, is that culturally, while women like that exist, they are not the STANDARD. Such behavior is the STANDARD for us men, and with the employment, social welfare, medical, and law-enforcement establishments so obviously dominated by men, such behavior encountered by a woman is going to be MUCH more pervasive than anything a man might face. That’s not to say the man in my thought exercise can’t complain, but I do think it means that we as men have a hard time understanding, because there really is no cultural corollary.
Thanks for posting this.
June 2, 2006 at 10:44 pm
The fucking entitlement complexes of these pricks astounds me. It’s part of a mans ‘freedom’ to harrass women? In that case, it’s part of my ‘freedom’ to beat harrassers to a pulp. Sounds fair to me.
If the average woman was capable of beating her harassers to a pulp it’s not likely she would be harassed to begin with. These men are not going to make sexually derisive remarks when they feel they are in a vulnerable postion.
Why do men do it? Because they can, and they can do it with near certainty that they can do it without worrying that the woman they are harassing will be able to do anything about it. Yourself and BB for example: aside from voice your rage on a blog-site have you done anything to stop those men from doing the exact same thing (or worse) next time they see you?
June 3, 2006 at 11:30 pm
(First time commenter on your fab blog)
Thanks for this post. Wankers like that can really spoil your day.
My pet hate is the “cheer up love!” which is – I think – less malicious than honking or shouting in that the men who say it don’t mean to frighten or intimidate.
But it still puts me in a foul mood, because my facial expression is none of anybody else’s business, and it pisses me off that these guys think I should stop whatever I’m doing and simper for them on demand.
June 20, 2006 at 2:10 pm
I get the “You’re much prettier when you smile.” comment a lot. My response? “You’re much more attractive when you don’t speak.”
June 22, 2006 at 3:25 pm
I’ve never encountered anything like this in America, and I’m shocked that it happens so frequently in the UK. (Although maybe I’ve just been lucky — or hideously ugly, as Colin’s comments suggest.)
In college, some guys once drove by me and my sister as we were walking back to my dorm at night and yelled “PUSSY” out the window. My sister shouted at them “YOU’RE VERY OBSERVANT. WE DO HAVE VAGINAS.”
June 25, 2006 at 4:51 pm
Clark Lee- what you have just written is known as ‘blaming the victim’. We are not responsible for male aggression against us, nor can we prevent it, dipshit. Men are responsible for their own actions. Go fuck yourself.
Looking glass- Lol!
June 27, 2006 at 5:49 am
Check out hollabacknyc.blogspot.com! They are collecting clothing that women were wearing at time of street harrassment. Or, if you don’t want to join in their clothing collection, you will find, as I’m sure you already know, you are not alone!
And I agree — Fuck them! (my own list deleted except to say it’s already started for my 11 year old daughter you fucking pigs! She’s only 11 for gawd’s sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
June 28, 2006 at 7:31 pm
Its true there is too much harrassment. Even women drivers get harrassed and intimidated when they are minding their own business and I think men just don’t understand how frightening and demeaning this can be to women when it happens. I agree totally that it should not happen.
However in the argument of fairness I must mention that there are many women who we need to give a good kick up the backside (metaphorically or otherwise)because they insist on purposefully displaying themselves by trying to get every man in the room to look at them. I met one girl who decided in front of my cousin and his friends to take her bra off and swing it around the room and then ask everyone to help her put it back on. My cousin wasn’t impressed (particularly being that is was in front of all of his family) and when he refused she called him uptight so he called her slapper and I have to say I agree with him, biased as I am. It’s not right most women suffer this harrassment because of these few desperate, attention seeking women who seem to be unable to be around men without practically making out and out porno’s.
“It’s not a man’s world because it should be. It’s a man’s world because we let them have it.”
Hats ofF to Pink for highlighting just how stupid women are acting in perpetuating this image of women as sex objects. I don’t think a little sexuality is a bad thing but when you are surviving solely on it people start to think all women are like that and everyone has a right to treat them that way.
June 28, 2006 at 7:43 pm
Having said that, being that I’m a woman and I’ve been harrassed particularly on the bus or walking along the street I feel it’s unfair I’m treated in this way because men believe in these steretypes of women who are always up for it. I had a lot of friends who were boys and some of the stuff they said shocked me which I took in joking but they had been completely brainwashed this way from childhood. Men quite often suffer insecurity but not in the way women do. Women are allowed to feel vulnerable, men get called pussies if they are so its very double-edged. There is a lot of pressure put on men and women from both sides that causes them to act in these roles. Sometimes they really just someone to explain to them that it’s really offensive and hurtful to some women. Most men I’ve met believe its their job to pursue the woman and really don’t think they are doing anything wrong. What we need is a cultural change. Men need to be allowed to be seen as vulnerable and women need to be allowed to be seen as independent. Many of the most negative comments I’ve ever heard about women are from other women. As much as I don’t like to believe it other women perpetuate this by bitching about each other. They put pressure on each other to look good just as men put pressure on each other to `pull’ and face everything like a man. This issue of harrassment and gender roles is far more complicated than any of us like to think and is continued from both sides.
July 1, 2006 at 5:45 am
I got “nice tits” yesterday coming out of the subway. Nothing like craven muttering about one’s tits in passing to give a girl that warm tingly complimented feeling. He must be terrific fun at parties.
I did shout “Hey, you’re a real asshole” at his back, as he headed down the steps. Not my best; but then, I HAD been thinking of something else before he INTERRUPTED me.
better would’ve been to simply give him a push i think.
“hey, nice nosebleed.”
July 5, 2006 at 8:07 am
Sorry that you had to endure those incidents. It’s bang out of order.
I once saw a “sister” willingly flashing her private parts to traffic, pedestrians and other assorted white van men and she was loving it! In the middle of a busy street! In broad daylight! I was shocked!
I went back for another gander!
August 1, 2006 at 7:45 pm
On re-reading the main article, I have to ask:
Were they beeping at you? Are you sure, as you said you were “walking alongside a busy main road”?
If their beeping was of a sexist nature, it was incorrect, whoever they were beeping at – even if it wasn’t at you.
August 1, 2006 at 8:30 pm
Istvanski – I know you are desperate to find fault with everything I post in this blog, but I can assure you they were beeping at me. The road was busy, but I was the only pedastrian. They beeped at me as soon as they went past me. I don’t even know why I am justifying myself to you be honest.
August 2, 2006 at 3:39 pm
I’m not at all desperate to find fault with everything that you write, and furthermore I don’t post for the sake of trying to shoot people down in flames, whatever their personal views. On the contrary, if you read my post again, you’ll find that I wrote that such behaviour (sexist horn beeping)was dispicable. In your original post you did not make it clear that you were the only pedestrian on the busy main road. Being that I’m from the city, I hear traffic beeping all the time. Now that you have made it clear of their intentions behind the beeping, I thank you for verifying what happened.
I apologise for my after thought that lead you to mis-read me. At the time I thought it was a valid question.
Please don’t make me out to be a ‘troll’ because of misunderstood written word. It happens all the time and comments sections are for clearing these misunderstandings, and not just for agreeing or disagreeing.
I may not agree with every post or viewpoint, but I’m not on here for the sake of a negative / destructive argument.
So, I do feel the need to justify myself to you on that point, purely because you seem to be picturing me in a false and negative light of what I was saying.
You can’t expect everyone to ‘get it’ first time around all of the time, so further detail is sometimes neccessary.
Still, if you want to lump me in with all the other men that you say “fuck you” to, then so be it.
August 3, 2006 at 9:47 am
Istvanski – I don’t want to lump you in with all the trolls, but you’ve got to understand that I get a hell of a lot of them and it does wear on my patience a bit. I apologise if I was a bit sharp with you before, but I had previously had to delete a truckload of nasty troll-like comments from other people, so I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind! But yes, I’m sorry for dismissing you like that.
December 17, 2006 at 10:36 pm
Hi Ms. Violet,
I came across this post today in a Google search, and I wanted to leave a comment. Everything you’ve said, I completely understand, and I have similiar stories of social anxiety and being harassed by strange men and boys over my breasts. I understand the frustration you feel when in one situation you’re confident and in other situations you’re not. And my sentiments towards men and boys who say and do nasty things because of my body are precisely the same as you articulated. I often feel alone in these issues, and I wanted to thank you for saying what you did.